this morning was a slow morning. woke up, let out chickens, put up dishes. granola and jasmine green tea for breakfast. shared time and conversation on the porch swing with M. waiting for the others to rise.
then harvesting while listening to NPR. this morning they played this song by Gillian Welch.

today i harvested herbs – oregano, cilantro, garlic chives, thyme and mint. H. harvested the rest, the parsley, basil and wood sorrel. i also harvested nasturtium flowers and flowers to make into bouquets – celosia, laceflower (my personal favorite), carrot flowers, zinnias, bee balm, queen anne’s lace.

then to the Springhouse to wash and bundle carrots and green onions. we listened to some old time while we worked and totaled up prices in the book for the market in the morning.
i prepared lunch, which took me way too long because i get anxious cooking for other people, and ended up making no-knead bread while everything else was cooking.
it rained and we’ve had a long week in the sun so we’re taking the afternoon off.

i felt much quicker this morning than i had last week. now knowing how to do things well, what to do carefully and what to do quickly. and then time on the porch swing again with Mary Oliver. the feeling of adaptation and Mary’s poems settled me. that porch settles me and allows me to breath.

thoughts washed over me today.
i had thought recently, how we all live and die alone and today the thought arose again in a new way. thinking of all the ways we connect with others and share life, whether through moments like meals, music jams, good conversations or great adventures, or through seasons like shared housing and years stacked upon years. that we can connect and share as much as possible with a friend, a beloved, a parent and still no one can know us fully, even as we hope to be fully known.
that at the end of all days we can try to explain so much of ourselves and our thoughts to someone, but we will still be alone to a certain extent.

we alone are responsible for our actions. we are alone in the battles in our minds and hearts. we cannot control others. we cannot control our circumstances all the time.
we do get to choose who we share life with (mostly). we do get to choose our actions, which affect others. but someone else cannot fix the things we are not in love with in ourselves. friends can remind us of the truths of who we are, but cannot make us believe those things.

for some reason, if this is making any sense, all of this is hitting me in a new way. but in a really beautiful way. i like taking responsibility. i like choosing to share life with others even though we cannot fix each other. we still get to love each other, have mercy, show grace and care and concern. the fact that we are alone in our minds and actions is exactly why we need each other. to remember to have grace for ourselves. to be reminded of what’s truest about ourselves and have people encourage the growth and change we cannot seem to find the fruits of. to have folks to share love, joy, delights and details with as we walk alone trying to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly.

Sarah Merck is coming to visit tonight on her way home to Cummings. she was my roommate in college and has remained a friend over the years. she lives in asheville and we go to music jams at Jack of the Wood when i come through town. this time she gets to visit me and we are heading into downtown Boone since i have yet to go into town outside of working the farmers market. cheers to good friends and adventures!

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